Now and Not Now.

Totem 14"40"5"

Last year in AP 3-D we were required to create a totem. There were no other requirements, simply, that we must create something "totemlike". So I created this. A tall ,well-crafted, design oriented perspective on a totem pole. I honestly believe it to be one of my better pieces, but until recently it held no meaning to me. It was just that.... a totem of nothing

This weekend, my totem acquired meaning. My totem is high school. This piece is created of four parts: the four years of high school. Some are bigger (better) than others, and some are differently shaped than others, but together they form my high school career.

You see, I realized that we are always building a totem. Many totems really. Relationship totems, friendship totems, school totems, work totems. Totems are always surrounding us, totems are always a huge part of our existence. This weekend, I realized why senior year is so difficult. Why, even though my classes are more simplistic and my grades are hight, I feel such an elevated level of stress. I have too many totems.

My father told me last week that senior year is a time of "now and not now". That this year, instead of being able to focus solely on matters today, we are forced to focus not only now, but on not now. We are focused on what we are doing today and tomorrow , and also what we will be doing in 8 months. We are submitting college applications, we are creating resumes and portfolios. We are designing what we hope the rest of our lives will be. Yet, at the same time we must continue to focus on the now. We must continue to notice and perform our daily activities and routines. This year is realistically easier than last year. I am better at managing my time. I'm better at dealing with the AP course load. I'm better at building my high school totem pole than I was last year. The problem lies in the fact that this year we must build two totems. While we finish and polish and sand off our high school totem, we must begin doing preparatory sketches for our next totem. Whether that totem be set in college, or the work field, or an internship it has to be prepared for. We have to take time out of our already hectic nows to deal with our not nows.

I spent this entire weekend in Austin. I spent this entire weekend at the school of my dreams. I went to class with friends in the major I want, and I ate in the cafeteria students eat in. This weekend, I might as well have been a student at the University of Texas at Austin, and it broke my heart to remember that that reality is still "not now". I'm desperate, pining really, to be there. I'm not sure that I have Senior Swine Flu, because I really am happy here, but all of this planning for the next totem pole is making me incredibly antsy to start building. My applications are almost done, My sketches almost finished. Now, the only thing left is to submit them to people I don't know who will decide which totem I will be building for the next four years of my life. Its a scary reality that in a few months I will know where my totem will be built and with what.

Scary, but exciting.