30 December 2009

I'm frustrated right now....

Top Nine Books of 2009
9. When you are engulfed in flames- David Sedaris
8.The Architecture of Happiness- Alain d. Botton
7.The History of Tom Jones- Fielding
6. Blink- Malcolm Gladwell
5. The Third Angel- Alice Hoffman
4.A seperate Peace- John Knowles
3.Self-Editing for Fiction Writers- How to edit yourself into print
2.Killing Yourself to Live- Chuck Klosterman
1.The Road- Cormac McCarthy



29 December 2009

Today, I was skimming through old emails only to discover that I have another article due January 4th. I really need to get a planner for 2010.However, all the nice ones I like are much to expensive. And, I need a full page for every day because I'm just so busy.

My article is going to be about how the state of texas has ruined my christmas break by moving finals to after christmas. It seems like a nice mellow topic. well.. maybe.

I've been thinking a lot today about the absence of rest. The last time I can truly remember resting was last January. That means that I have spent almost all of 2009 in a constant state of motion. So, with all my "free" time. I thought it might be time for some top ten lists:

NINE FAVORITE SONGS of 2009:
9.Love Will Come Through- Travis
8.Comes and Goes in Waves- Greg Laswell
7.Stay- Sugarland
6.Dimmer- Bishop Allen
5.Various Kitchen Utensils- Skybox
4.Cannonball- Damien Rice
3.Cheerleader- Grizzly Bear
2.See Fernando- Jenny Lewis
1.Race You- Elizabeth & the Capulets

coming tomorrow.... books :)

The worst words....




Nothing from texas

as the mail hits the table.


20 December 2009

Christmas break

Today is the first real day of Christmas Break.
Part of me is excited, but when I look at my looming to-do list for the next two weeks, I feel a bit overwhelmed. There are so many things to do and so little time to do them in. I really do feel like I'm missing out on having a "break" by the new switch of finals to after Christmas. I'm going to write a blog about that for the DMN tomorrow though, so hang tight.

The book sits on my desk. or in my backpack. I carry it around and I look at it. Last week, I did not edit chapter one like I was supposed to. Last week, I became overwhelmed and scared and worried by my own words. It was so much easier to write when I didn't have to think about other people reading it. Honestly, i'm terrified of ANYONE reading it. Even though I feel like it might be good, I'm still scared.  I have to decide what that book is meant to be, and moreso what it is meant to DO. I have to decide how it will influence and adjust and compare.

Mostly, I have to write it. I have to rewrite it so that its quality literature. I have to rewrite until I cannot stand my words anymore. Really, I'm starting to understand why people hire editors. But, I'm poor. So, I'll self-edit. Wish me luck, because April 12th I'll (fingers crossed) be sending a finished edited manuscript to publishers)

15 December 2009

LOOK AT THIS!!!!


wow.

14 December 2009

these are my feelings

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles cross weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or the waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for the wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

12 December 2009

Today is the day

that revision begins.

except that my room is kinda messy. and cluttered.
how am i supposed to revise a messy and cluttered novel in a messy and cluttered enviornment I ask?

I don't think I can, so I'll be cleaning out my room for a good deal of time. hooray winter cleaning

07 December 2009

Bookcover



thoughts?



tonight, in an effort to make myself happy from the very RUDE rejection letter YoungArts sent me, I created a cover for my book.
that's right... my book.


05 December 2009

Letters

Its really cold outside, and not just Texas cold. According to my computer, it is currently 41 degrees outside. But luckily, I am seated in front of the fire watching the UT/ Nebraska game. I am just sitting here freaking myself out about college. Well, not really college as much as money.

This is a big in the letter realm. First, I made some REALLY nice Christmas cards at craft day today. They are all really nice, and they all need letters written on the inside of them.

I need to send some letters to some dear friends of mine who have already run away to college. I miss them terribly, and they deserve letters of love.

But mostly, are the scary letters this week.

NFAA/youngarts supposedly sent out some letters on Wednesday that tell people if they are finalists or honorable mentions or just not. Even though I was not particularly thrilled about young arts when I applied, I would love to have my art appreciated at that level.

Second, according to an email forwarded to me by a dear friend of mine, Plan ii will be sending out the first round of admission notification letters this week..... so ..... scary.

So, Today I have extremely mixed relationships with letter.

02 December 2009

Wednesday-Schmendsday

today I added some more cards to my hand.

One day, I went to lunch with my father and he made me cry. In no way did he mean to. In no way was he trying to stress me out. He loves me, and I know that. He is trying to help. He is trying to make my life a little easier. He is trying to help me make the wisest decisions so that I can make good life decisions.

He told me a metaphor about cards. The cards are really colleges. Big scary stiff rude difficult cards. "Kelsey," he told me," you're holding two cards in your hand right now: University of Texas and community college"

and that is why I cried. In the middle of potbelly, I had a breakdown. Despite the hoards of people and the sandwich in front of me, I cried and wiped my nose of brown recycled napkins. I cursed saving the enviornment for its itchy paper, but mostly I cursed myself. I cursed myself for not having money to go to college and having no scholarships.

Honestly, I don't want to go anywhere else. All I want to do is Go to UT and be a longhorn. All I want is to go. But money is an issue. So, I got some more cards. SMU, Carelton College, REed College, Bennington College,MICA, and Yale. I have lots of cards now.

But honestly, I hate all of my other cards. I want to set my other cards on fire.
I submitted two applications today. and I hate both of them.

29 November 2009

Effects of the end of November

tomorrow is the last day of november, and honestly, i'm pretty darn sad to see it go.I've had a grand November. A November that has changed a lot of things for me. A November that has made me realize some of my dreams and goals. A November that has made me

A NOVELIST!!!!

What November has done:

-made me realize the passion I have for the University of Texas at Austin
-forced me to appreciate my macbook to the highest extent
-given me tendonitis in my left hand
-given me 147 pages of pure happiness
-forced me to pound out 51,245 words
-made me want more than anything to be an author
-taught me to write despite bad days.
-made me create one really wretchedly bad piece of art
-gave me a rebound piece to remind myself I don't suck
-made me really, honestly proud of something
-at the same time made me incredibly embarassed about said something.
-taught me that sometimes, all creativity needs is a change in scenery.
-brought me the first baby to ever like me more than my sister
-taught me that sometimes, its better to let Whole Foods cater some of Thanksgiving and actually enjoy your time
-brought me to the threshold of creativity and forced me to push through it.

but most of all....
November gave me the first draft of my novel. The first draft of my baby.

Now, I enter the two week no touch-all think portion of the novel writing world. It's hard already. I miss my novel.
my. novel.

wow.


24 November 2009

Sonnet #2

I sit in front of the screen and I think
How is it that i will kill off this one ?
These few last words may push me to the brink,
Isn't writing supposed to be just fun?

I'm having to face my characters now,
the ones i birthed and hold so near,
for now it is their turn to take a bow.
the things i planned for them are so severe

My favorite one will be the first to go.
But the killing part is just so tragic,
when saying my goodbyes to those i know.
If only i could just use some magic.

Procrastinating my climax is death,
it is leaving me a bit out of breath

21 November 2009

One day.....

....this college thing will stop being stupid
....i will learn how to read a freaking website and stop making stupid mistakes
....a scholarship coorporation will actually give me some money
....i will step foot on a college campus and not have to go home
....i will stop having to miss him. . . all the time
....my friends will not have parents who treat me better than them
....i will finish this novel.
....i will have a wedding good enough to get on www.oncewed.com
....i will have good fashion
....i will probably move to a place where good fashion costs less
....i will be able to live on my own
....i will be interviewed on Ellen
....i will actually be a representative for the faith i claim
....i will begin to believe in myself
....i will exhibit in a real art gallery, with real artists.
....i will get out of Flower Mound and never look back.
....i will drive my car so far into west texas and spend the day just looking around and being artsy
....i will drive to Marfa.
....i will have just enough money not to stress about it.
.... i will know how the hell i'm going to pay for college.

luckily, tomorrow I'm headed to San Francisco. a much needed break

28 October 2009

Learning to Walk

I started walking to school in first grade. Every morning, my dad would wake up early and leash the dog and walk along with me. We lived about half a mile, and the walk was nothing less than enjoyable. Given, when there were hazardous weather conditions we drove, but otherwise walking was nothing less than normal. My father walked with me until third grade, at which point I was allowed to go on my own. He pointed my sister and I in the right direction and simply let us commute alone.
I lived in suburbia. In a safe, clean neighborhood. I spent all of my years walking to and from Prairie Trail Elementary School. When I graduated to middle school, I never expected there to be a change of plans. The middle school was a bit less than a mile, and slightly uphill: as uphill as the Texas plains can be. So, because it was longer, I mostly rode my bike. Rain or shine, early or late I made my way to school with little parental involvement for a full decade of my life. I clearly remember fighting to reach the bike racks at my middle school early so as to be guaranteed a spot. I remember wedging my bicycle into the cool, metal groves and straining to lock it up without attaching another bike along with it.
Yesterday, I took the scenic route to my house in order to avoid extra traffic at the end of my forty-five minute driven commute home. Yesterday, I drove past Lamar Middle School. It wasn't, however, until I pulled into my driveway that I realized what had seemed amiss. The bicycle rack was empty. Suddenly, visual memories flooded me: the huge crowds of running motors surrounding the elementary school, the idle crossing guards, the chaperoned backpackers.
So, I did some research. Statistics show that in 1969, 41 percent of children either walked or biked to school according to the National Household Travel survey. By 2001, that percentage had dropped to 11.
Parents have begun to feel nervous. The publicity of the internet, and the overwhelming power of the media has dramatically influenced this generation of parents. The constant outpour of overpowering news specials and dramatic stories is causing fear. They are meant to cause fear. Yet, this fear-the nervousness parent's feel- is causing dramatic changes in changes in the social patterns of parenting. A recent psychological study from the University of California at Berkeley-spearheaded by Paula S. Fass-, proposes a hypothesis that by driving their children to school parents feel they are protecting them, and thus "It's a conformation that '[they] are a good parent'."
The reality, however, is that childhood obesity is rising at an alarming rate. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, over the past three decades the childhood obesity rate has more than doubled for preschool children aged 2-5 years and adolescents aged 12-19 years, and it has more than tripled for children aged 6-11 years. The reality is that without a decent degree of independence, without the physical activity, our children are going to grow up to be completely dependent, fat adults.
This summer, I went on a world history and aesthetics tour of western Europe. I, and sixteen of my fellow classmates, covered 6 countries and 9 cities in 24 days. An average of 24 miles a day according to the flaky pedometer. 24 miles, by foot. We walked: and in that walking I found comfort, the familiar memories of childhood. They were long, strenuous days. We were hot, and frustrated and annoyed. Yet, we weren't protected. There were days when we hated each other. There was one adult for all sixteen of us. At any moment, one of us could have been pushed into a van and driven to Eastern Europe to become someone's second wife. (We made the mistake of watching "Taken" on the plane ride over). Yet, our parents and our teacher, trusted us to remain responsible: trusted us to stay with the group.
The walking set off a stream of events. The independence associated with that short walk to school every day helps to form the character traits needed for leadership in adults. So maybe, just maybe, this generation of parents needs to accept the nervousness that will occur when their babies leave that first day. Maybe, that difficulty and emotional strain is necessary to help today's children grow into the best adults they can be. Maybe, its time we give our children the physical activity they need to remain healthy. Maybe we should just:

Let. them. walk.

24 October 2009

Attention Whore!

A few days ago, Facebook changed the layout of the news feed it displays to members. The only obvious difference is that now there are two news feeds. The first is labeled "live feed" and it displays in real time all of the information your 600+ "friends" are posting right now. The second-and the only real change to the Facebook universe-is labeled "news feed". Now the difference, is subtle and, quite honestly, it took me a fair amount of time to realize what the difference between to two was.
But when I realized, well, I understood why 23 of my facebook friends had joined a group against it already. You see, the change allows something that should be an exciting addition. However, the change limits our publicity. In the "news feed", the magical facebook decides who your favorite "friends" are and displays only their postings. Crap. This means that no longer do all of my displays do not get sent to ALL of my friends. This means that, in theory, my "friends" could choose to only observe their news feed, and thus they would never see the meaningless status updates I was posting. This means that only people facebook decides care about me will be able see me.
We really are attention whores. We post statuses on Twitter every fifteen minutes with our location and what we're up to. We reply to facebook posts, and take quizes no one cares about. We blog to our three or four continual readers. We have tumblrs, and flickrs, and plenty of social networking systems under our belts. Sure, myspace is on the downfall, but that hasn't stopped us from acquiring four other systems to let the world know our every move. We need to be noticed and adored and looked in the face and told "you exist". That's why the girls in front of me at movies are invariably texting; their blue light filling the theatre and averting my attention. They too, need to be continually reaffirmed of their importance.
See, I'm doing it right now. I'm blogging, and the blogosphere revolves entirely around attention. I could say that I'm writing for my own enjoyment. Which, partially, I am. But reality screams that were I only writing for my own happiness I would do so in a Word document, or on some tattered deadened tree. I wouldn't beg for comments, or desire a beaucoup of readers. Yet, I'm picking my words for you, dear reader, in the hope that you will read my tiresome rant, and look me dead in the eye and say "you are real".

Confession: I am an attention whore.

19 October 2009

bealonghorn.com

The University of Texas at Austin
is my dream school. I love the campus. I love the Plan II program. I love Austin, and I love being on campus. I love seeing the tower lit up at night. I love going to football games and chanting along with 80,000 fellow fans.

Last week, I took the plunge. On Monday, I submitted my online application. On Wednesday, I sent in the most precious package in the world to Austin. I sent in my resume, and my portfolio, and a letter of recommendation. Today, I sent in my housing and honors application.

And now its over.

The countless hours, and retyped words I spent on that application are gone. The reformating, redesigning, and reorganizing I spent hours on to make that application the absolute best representation of my self I could, are all gone. The big gold paper clip I combined all of myself with, is gone.

Everything. Gone.

And now comes the scary part. I've done everything within my power, and now my control is taken away. I can no longer switch the sentence orders in my essays. I can no longer add activities to my resume. I can no longer control my application. My application is now controlled by the Office of Admissions. My application, and my admissions decision. I should be nervous, and worried, and impatient. Now, while it is impossible to deny that all of those feelings are incredibly present, I can honestly say they are not my greatest emotion.

Relief.

So, now... we wait. One application down, three to go.

12 October 2009

Now and Not Now.

Totem 14"40"5"
Last year in AP 3-D we were required to create a totem. There were no other requirements, simply, that we must create something "totemlike". So I created this. A tall ,well-crafted, design oriented perspective on a totem pole. I honestly believe it to be one of my better pieces, but until recently it held no meaning to me. It was just that.... a totem of nothing
This weekend, my totem acquired meaning. My totem is high school. This piece is created of four parts: the four years of high school. Some are bigger (better) than others, and some are differently shaped than others, but together they form my high school career.

You see, I realized that we are always building a totem. Many totems really. Relationship totems, friendship totems, school totems, work totems. Totems are always surrounding us, totems are always a huge part of our existence. This weekend, I realized why senior year is so difficult. Why, even though my classes are more simplistic and my grades are hight, I feel such an elevated level of stress. I have too many totems.
My father told me last week that senior year is a time of "now and not now". That this year, instead of being able to focus solely on matters today, we are forced to focus not only now, but on not now. We are focused on what we are doing today and tomorrow , and also what we will be doing in 8 months. We are submitting college applications, we are creating resumes and portfolios. We are designing what we hope the rest of our lives will be. Yet, at the same time we must continue to focus on the now. We must continue to notice and perform our daily activities and routines. This year is realistically easier than last year. I am better at managing my time. I'm better at dealing with the AP course load. I'm better at building my high school totem pole than I was last year. The problem lies in the fact that this year we must build two totems. While we finish and polish and sand off our high school totem, we must begin doing preparatory sketches for our next totem. Whether that totem be set in college, or the work field, or an internship it has to be prepared for. We have to take time out of our already hectic nows to deal with our not nows.
I spent this entire weekend in Austin. I spent this entire weekend at the school of my dreams. I went to class with friends in the major I want, and I ate in the cafeteria students eat in. This weekend, I might as well have been a student at the University of Texas at Austin, and it broke my heart to remember that that reality is still "not now". I'm desperate, pining really, to be there. I'm not sure that I have Senior Swine Flu, because I really am happy here, but all of this planning for the next totem pole is making me incredibly antsy to start building. My applications are almost done, My sketches almost finished. Now, the only thing left is to submit them to people I don't know who will decide which totem I will be building for the next four years of my life. Its a scary reality that in a few months I will know where my totem will be built and with what.
Scary, but exciting.




28 September 2009

Autumn Fallin'


Today feels like fall in the Flowerplex. The air is crisp, and the acorns across the street from my house are falling rapidly through it. Even though it will probably be warm again next week, I'm enjoying my day off in the beautiful weather.

Lately we've all been stressing over college. Stressing about whether of not we'll get it. Stressing about whether our best will be good enough.

I think I may go back to the Farmer's Market tomorrow and get some strawberries to help me relax. Listening to the new Jaymay cd, I really do wish that with "autumn fallin" there was someone who "knew more than I do". Someone who could tell me where my life was going, how it was going to get there, and what i should do to aide it.

Instead, I'll eat fruit.


"If I knock on your door would you let me in?
Do you know any more than I do?"
-Autumn Fallin' :Jaymay


24 September 2009

New blog, crazys!



"Art never improves, but... the material of art is never quite the same. "
-T.S. Eliot

A majority of my life has been spent in the blog
osphere.I began my
first blog in the seventh grade, and have been semi-consistently blogging ever since. However, I've always spent my blogging days sporatically and disjointed.

This is senior year.

This is the year to determine what material the rest of my life
will be made of. The year to make decisions and to pick our material. This is a year for creativity. Hence, the new blog. The new venue is a necessary and important part of this revitalization. An important step to this change.

This is art year.

When I began this year I dreaded my design class. After spending all junior year building sculptures the thought of picking back up the paintbrush, or pen scared me. But I'm loving it. For the first time in a while I'm enjoying art. So, Hooray chamb-chamb! I've converted.

More pictures and posts to come. :)